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Big Baby B
Posted November 11, 2005 at 08:50:21 AM by Bean
My good friend Bilal always fights battles with his bowels. Here's a great first-hand example of some of the situations his various digestive anomalies put him in. Bilal, is it okay if I post this?
The past couple of days, I've been couped up in my apartment and I was just itching to get out!! So today, I went out with Sue to Mikado to eat some sushi mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (I LOVE SUSHI)!!!

After that, we went to watch a movie with a goup of friends at Hollywood Bar and Film Works (Ocean's 12). Well, the movie pretty much sucked (I give it a D+ compared to Ocean's 11), but the food was nice. You can have dinner and a movie there. So I started to eat popcorn and drink a peppermint cappucino, it was pretty good. Then I moved onto a peppermint parfait (3 scoops of peppermint ice cream with cherries and whipped cream!) My stomach was feeling pretty "rumbly" -- and I just want everyone to know that I've had stomach problems all my life. I'm pretty sure that I'm lactose intolerant plus a little irritable bowel to boot!!

So, following the movie, Sue and I went to RAM to meet some indian friends of mine. I was having a blast........that is until......i felt the urge to go to the Bathroom!!! (omg, I mean u know that feeling...when you gotta go you REALLY gotta go). Naturally, I casually got up and "excused" myself to the bathroom. Well, my nightmare came true: (ONLY 1 STALL, CLOGGED, A PLUNGER FLOATING IN A TOILET FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH DOOKIE-WATER AND SOILED SOGGY TISSUES). - almost reminded me of the present YOU(BENITO) left at hollywood bar and film works. I just meditated, and prayed the urge to go away.....well, it did...temporarily.

I came back to the group and they were excited to have a LLLLOOONNGG...and drawn out conversation...hey bilal, where u been? why haven't you been coming out?...well, I was chatting it up with everyone..until the urge CAME BACK! OMG..what do I do? Do I go to the women's bathroom...do I tell someone to guard the door...I didn't have time to react.

I just naturally, did the FIGHT OR FLIGHT! I just picked up my jacket and left everyone. I said "i'll be right back" and my friend darshan was like.."dude, where are you going?"...i didn't answer, I just took off (mind you, there were lots of people in the desi group and i'm the 'new brownie') They must have thought I was soo shady! Anyhoo, I was walking really fast towards Steak&Shake a block down the road...(everyone was in mass confusion b/c i just left -- i wasn't going to let the whole world that I've gotta poop!) So I entered S&S and made my way to the back where the bathrooms are.

At this point, I was just micro-seconds from just letting everything go and embarrass myself (there was nothing to prarie-dog, i could tell the rrhea was inevitable)!! I pushed open the men's bathroom door and went towards the only two bathroom stalls. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT BOTH STALLS WERE OCCUPIED??!!...and judging from the crack b/w the doors...those guys weren't leaving anytime soon!! In fact, I could only see one guys bald head as he's resting his head on his hands with his elbows on his knees.....moaning and groaning. This was complete and utter Hell for me!!!

NOWHERE TO GO...BOTH STALLS OCCUPIED....my mind is in mass confusion thinking: (I GOTTA GO SOOOO BAD NOW IT'S AN EMERGENCY...the meditating isn't working...my body is cramping...what do I do? BREATHE BREATHE! should I go across the street to another restaurant and risk a few more minutes? should I just go in the alley and squat...you know, desi style lol?!!....

WELL...U KNOW WHAT I DID.....I BUSTED OPEN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM DOOR....praying that no woman could be seen in there....THANK GOD THERE WASN'T A WOMAN IN SIGHT...I was soooo nervous...I just did the pre-igottagopoop-bathroom shuffle ...trying to hang up my jacket on the hook, undo my belt real quick, placing the toilet seat covers..and then.......BAM!!! I SIT DOWN....DO MY DUTIES....VERY EXPLOSIVE MIGHT I SAY!! AND A SIGH OF RELIEF...my God, This was such a blissssssssful feeling I can't even describe it to you!!!!

Now reality set in...i'm in a woman's restroom..and there's going to be a woman to enter at any moment. HOLY GEEEEZ!! A GIRL WALKS IN in her 20's i'd say (as I'm anxiously looking through the crack in the door!). She looks to see if my stall is open...and I quickly PLACE MY SCARF OVER MY HEAD LIKE A GRANDMA and turn my head the other way...I'd say I was looking like the UGLIEST woman in the world!! She bought it!! She went to the stall next to me...and ......

BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THIS...this was the first time that I heard improper sounds coming from a female...I'm glad that women are proper in public..but u know that movie HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITECASTLE movie?...yup..just like that...this gal was tooting really loud and obnoxiously!!! Grunting!! Poop was plopping!! the WORKS!! It was soo weird..i was like getting lighteaded...i couldn't believe that I was in this situation. At this point, my cell phone went off b/c darshan kept calling me ... he was worried where I went! I shut my cell OFF!!

Then the lady finished up...and washed her hands THANK GOD!! and then I just waited for the right time to MAKE MY ESCAPE!! I finished up (I won't give the details), put my jacket on, kept the scarf over my head like an old woman...and then 30 seconds after she left.....(I counted in my head)..I BOLTED OUT THE DOOR and RAN into the men's restroom...where I washed my hands.

I then fixed myself up to look my normal casual self...and then nonchalantly walked out the door like nothing happened. I then calmly walked into the desi party like nothing happened!!!!! Everyone was like Bilal, where'd you go? ... I said...I got a call and had to meet a friend outside (I mean, come on, I'm not going to tell them the truth!)...they were like.......Bilal, you're sooooooo SHADY!!!

THAT I AM!!!! LOL (I ended up telling Sue and Darshan the REAL STORY OF WHAT HAPPENED!!!!)

Ahhh yesssss...one of many Bilal Bathroom Stories!
5 comments
fooiemcgoo (November 11, 2005 at 10:55:06 AM):
holy christ that was funny.
corbin (November 11, 2005 at 11:47:42 AM):
i think you blogged that a year or 2 ago
Bean (November 11, 2005 at 12:50:22 PM):
I think I emailed it out... never actually blogged it. I did blog about a particularly foul movement of my own once... here

corbin (November 11, 2005 at 03:27:50 PM):
ok, maybe that was it, you ducked about it.

anyway, i've read your poo blog, and i'll elect against reading ti again.
Bleach (November 11, 2005 at 04:38:15 PM):
That was funny as hell. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It might be because I know him. Either way, good times.
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