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A Tribute To Teeth
Posted June 18, 2003 at 09:19:08 AM by Bean

I used match.com a while back, and had lots of interesting experiences.  Now the best experience resulted with Stef as my girlfriend, but there are a lot of other good stories burried in there too.  One of them is about the importence of good teeth.

I talked to a girl a few times on the phone after emailing her.  She seemed nice enough, had interesting things to say, and lived nearby, so I suggested we meet for dinner.  When I arrived at the agreed upon meeting place, I saw her standing by the door.  My eyes started at the ground and worker their way up.  She was slender, wearing a nice skirt, decent rack, cute face.  Then she smiled.  I thought about walking right past her and acting like I didn't know who she was... but it was too late, we had already made eye contact.

She had a bad case of what I call snaggletoofes (pronounced snag-gul-toof-us).  Her teeth were really small, and there were large gaps between all of them.  And to top it off, the gaps were not even throughout her mouth... some were big and some were small, like she was missing a whole tooth.  It was like she never lost her baby teeth or something.

Dinner was long, and I stared at her teeth the whole time.  Needless to say, I did not ask snaggletoofes out on a second date.  I shudder at the though of kissing a mouth that contains a set of teeth as nasty as hers.

So, back to the drawing board.  I Decided to meet up with another girl that I had talked to a few times.  Again, we met for dinner, and again, she had messed up teeth.  Hers were different, though, and I have never seen teeth like hers anywhere else.  She had centertoofes (pronounced center-toof-us).

When she smiled, it looked like all of her teeth had been shifted 1/2 tooth to the left.  She actually had a center tooth.  How fucked up is that?!  Not only that... the center tooth was bigger than normal and stuck out a little bit, bucky style.  Now, top it all off with the yellowest tint I have ever seen on teeth, and you have a sight to behold: yellow-bucky-centertoofes.

I ate my dinner lightning fast.  She, however, took her time... I can only assume that it took her so long because of the big tooth.  I bet she could tear up some corn on the cob, though.

After this string of bad teeth experiences, I updated my profile and made sure to mention that a NICE SMILE IS A MUST.  I'm not saying that I need perfect set of bleach-white chompers, but my girl has got to have a set of teeth that look human, as opposed to something out of the animal kingdom.



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