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The Ugly Monkey
Posted July 28, 2003 at 08:18:02 AM by Bean

Saturday night, me, Stef, Andy, and his girldfriend Sara went to The Ugly Monkey (horrible website, by the way).  It's a newish club in downtown Indy that's right next to The Slippery Noodle Inn.  Stef had never been, and I had a feeling she'd like it there.  I was right.  We had a few drinks and whatnot in the sit-down bar area and then proceeded to the dance side of the club.  Cheap drinks, no cover, good music - we all had a good time.  We hit up the downtown WC on the way home and declared the night a success.  BUT - the real story here is all of the interesting things that The Ugly Monkey has... here are a few:

Scrappy - Scrappy is a fat dwarf that stays in the corner of the club and sells shots and upside-down margaritas.  If you buy one, you sit down in a barber chair and a hot girl climbs on top of you, straddle-style.  The fat little guy then spins the chair around while the girlie pours the drink down your mouth.  Interesting.

Shot Wheel - This is a big weel-of-fortune style spinning wheel with 50 or so shots listed on it.  You pay a few bucks, spin the wheel, and face the consequences.  Simple, yet entertaining.

Bathroom Guy - The Ugly Monkey has a bathroom attendant.  He's a skinny-ass black guy who sits in a wheelchair, though I am pretty sure he doesn't need to.  I hate bathroom attendants, but this guy makes me laugh because whenever someone skips out without washing their hands he claims that they are spreading "cockalitis" (pronounced cock-a-lite-us) and yells at them.  He keeps a running "cockalitis count" throughout the night.  Don't believe me? Here are some pics.  I usually give this guy $1, one time per night.

Dildo Shot - Perhaps the most disturbing thing at this place is the large dildo mounted on the wall at one side of the bar.  It has a small cup above it and a tube running from the cup to the tip of the wang, gravity-fed.  Girls are encouraged to take free penis shots.  The repulsiveness of having a penis mounted on the wall is more than made up for by the show put on each time a drunk chick gets coerced into taking a shot. When one chick grabbed ahold of it and tugged too hard, she ripped it off the wall.  After this, Andy cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted over the crowd "Stay away from her!"

Girls - They hire girls to dance.  That's right, there are girls that work there whose only job is to dance and flirt.  Better yet, based on their dancing style, it is obvious that they have at some point worked in a strip-joint.  Note that there are poles for dancing as well and hand rails above the bars.

They have pretty good drink specials on the weekends, so we will probably try to head back again sometime soon.  You should come.

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